The problem about you Sizwe, you fall in love easily. It's like you are desperate for love.

The loneliness of striving for more, the solitude of refusing to settle—it’s eating me alive.

Neither Here Nor There: On Romantic Vulnerability

Life is long. Love is abundant and it will find me again. When she does I will confidently refer to her as yet another love of my life.

I toss and turn, reaching for a hand that isn’t there. No one to whisper “all is well my love”, to lull me back into a deep, restful slumber. From 00:00 to 00:00, my mind circles the same question… why haven’t I met the love of my life?

It’s in our nature to crave love, to be desperate for it. Yet, it’s also in our nature to fear rejection. We were made to love and be loved, after all. And when love rejects us, it feels like our hearts are being torn apart.

Yearning consumes everything in me, it drags me through all five stages of grief. The loneliness of striving for more, the solitude of refusing to settle—it’s eating me alive. Crushing on someone is even more debilitating.

My best friend once told me that I thrive in unsuitable relationships because to engage with someone who is my emotional and intellectual equal would require a level of vulnerability and maturity I’m unwilling to confront within myself. She wasn’t wrong. That shit cut deep. I won’t lie, it stung because I knew it was true. I’ve feared romantic vulnerability for so long. My biggest struggle has always been allowing myself to be truly seen. Seen for truly who I am. My insecurities cloud my ability to see myself as someone worthy of being liked/loved for who I am when no one is watching. What I have experienced in past relationships even situationships, makes me think maybe I am not enough to be loved the way I wish.

I have been dating beneath my standards. Knowing what I deserve, I can’t tell if I’m self-sabotaging because deep down for whatever reason I don’t think I am worthy of the love I desire or if I’ve convinced myself that reaching for anything more than the moon and the stars is enough to get by. I’ve convinced myself that maybe just a sliver of ‘love’, just a taste, will curb my thirst for a true love that quenches my soul. Deep down, I know I deserve so much more.

And I want that for myself. More. I want more.

I ache for a love greater than me, whether temporarily—something to live for, something exhilarating. Something that gives meaning to life again. I haven’t given up on love. And when it finds me again, I hope I’ll be brave enough to offer it all of me—the parts that are easy to love and the ones that aren’t. I hope it never regrets choosing me, even to its eventual conclusion. Until then I will wait patiently by the door, so I can be knocked off my feet. I am ready to surrender to feeling deeply again.